An Open Letter to the Men on Hinge

Dear Mr Hinge,

It is with a heavy heart that I have reinstated my Hinge account - lockdown version 2.0 has forced my hand - the prospect of a four-week long life hiatus was too bleak a prospect to bear without any dating excitement to amuse my friends with.

I use the word ‘excitement’ somewhat loosely here; one week into my dating foray and I’m remembering all the reasons I deleted the app in the first place. So, potential boyfriend-to-be, here are some pointers that I’m hoping will be a useful guide to make this artificial form of dating a little less painful for all those involved.

Let’s start with the basics. Your profile speaks volumes about you, if your photos are rubbish, guess what? I think you might be pretty rubbish too. Either that or you just can’t be bothered and are doing this purely for LOLS (never use that abbreviation on your profile, I beg you). I really don’t want to see you snapped working out, lying on your bed, in a state of undress or wearing women’s clothes; please save these intimate moments for a real-life lucky lady. Maintaining an element of mystery is far more enticing than presenting it all on a screen for the world to see. And, yes, all those cringe-worthy photos get passed around my various WhatsApp groups for sheer entertainment. You’ve been warned.

I would also suggest that your gap year/holiday albums and endless pet montages don’t belong on your dating profile. I’m not looking for a canine date, and I’m not interested in how many continents you’ve been to or that you think you are Bear Grylls. Maybe one or two context based photos to show your hobbies and interests if they are suitable (unless your favourite pastime is boozing and wearing fancy dress, this surprisingly, is not what I’m looking for in a soul mate).

It’s also advisable to present yourself as realistically as possible, suspiciously grainy photos from a bygone era seriously blow your cover, thanks to the invention of the iphone there are no excuses. I want to know what you look like today, not thirty years ago when you had hair. Similarly, you might think your sneaky editing skills will go unnoticed, but to the trained eye a putty-like complexion and frighteningly white teeth don’t fool me for a second; no self-respecting woman wants to date a fully grown adult who uses an app to artificially augment their face to look like a pubescent K-pop star.

Aside from your visual representation, it’s also desirable that you have a basic grasp of the English language. The idea is to sell yourself and what you transcribe is a reflection of you, spelling mistakes and all. If you can’t muster the energy to use proper grammar or full sentences, I get the feeling you’re not going to put much effort into the actual dating process. A little bit of effort goes a long way, and believe me there’s not much competition out there. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, is it?

Once a match has been made, it is always a gamble as to whether you will strike up conversation. So please, Mr Hinge, don’t match me and then go mute. Or worse still, don’t engage in a lengthy text exchange and then play Houdini. It’s utterly bizarre that one boring Monday evening you share your life story with me as though we are long lost friends, then, BOOM! You disappear off the face of the planet, never to be heard from again. What exactly is the point of this, other than wasting my time and yours? If you’re bored, do a crossword.

And then there’s the lying. There’s nothing more depressing than the promise of a 5’11” forty-five year old hunk - only to be greeted by a 5’6” fifty year old disappointment who bears no resemblance to his photographs whatsoever. I just have one question: why? You have little to gain in the few inches you’ve added or the years you’ve subtracted: all you have achieved is to ignite my distrust and cynicism. If you lie about your age, it makes me wonder what else you might lie about.

I am not for a second accusing all men of this behaviour; I have been fortunate enough to have met a handful (admittedly a small one) of men who have marketed themselves accurately, without fraudulently likening themselves to Brad Pitt. They have in turn regaled me with their own horror stories from the other side; women can also be a dab hand at misrepresentation, bad behaviour and deceit.

So please, if you’re serious about dating, let your Hinge profile stand out from the crowd: be honest; use recent photos; respond to messages; use a tape measure and above all - be you.

 Thank you.

 @thesingleespresso