She Who is Tired of Dating, is Tired of Life
I am suffering from a general feeling of lethargy. The endless and monotonous online dating process is not only damaging to my self-esteem but also a massive waste of time. I'm bored of asking the same inane questions to multiple men, whilst simultaneously keeping track of who said what, and who's who.
After subjecting my thumbs to repetitive strain injury most evenings slouched in front of Netflix, merely to establish if the person I have been interacting with is the dreamboat he claims to be, and not in fact a serial killer, I'm spent. For anyone lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the delight that is dating in the digital age, I have broken it down into some 'simple' steps, to enlighten you as to the exhaustive drudgery that goes into one single date.
1) Scroll through countless profiles, laugh at terrible photos. Take screenshots of the really stupid/weird/scary ones to amuse your friends (this also doubles to convince married friends they don't have it so bad after all).
2) Stumble across a vaguely acceptable one. Take screenshot and nervously send to friends. Await feedback - can range from abject horror to "he looks alright".
3) Once the subject has been given the all clear, momentarily become a feminist and send 'like', unless by some small miracle he hasn't got there first. Have flashback to being 12 year old schoolgirl who has just asked a friend to tell a boy she fancies him.
4) Await a mutual liking - whilst also managing expectations - rejection at this point is rife. May ride the waves of inadequacy. Feel like a bit of a loser.
5) If your 'like' is reciprocated suddenly question what possessed you to unashamedly make the first move. A lot of self-questioning ensues, perhaps I was drunk when I sent that? Think about deleting the app.
6) Scrutinise his profile to look for clues as to his suitability; try really hard to look for positives. Avoid focussing on his dodgy last photo and examining his clothes, shoes, face, hands, stance, height, general demeanour, home furnishings, holiday destinations and inability to take a decent photograph etc.
7) Wrack your brains for a witty and engaging opener, occasionally take delight in a proactive suitor who texts you first. Initial delight is withdrawn if their message is 'hello' or something smutty.
8) Prepare for rheumatism to set in as a texting marathon unfolds. Analyse his use of syntax and ability to differentiate between to/too and their/there, whilst gleaning as much information as possible (marital status, occupation, roof over head, offspring, brain power, hobbies, psychopathic tendencies).
9) Politely withdraw from the conversation if they prove to be monosyllabic or mention their pet snake. Go back to step 1.
10) Alternatively agree to exchange numbers with the view to organising a drink. Reader, take note - just because a man asks for your number, it does not mean they will actually use it. Possibly go back to step 1.
There are so many different outcomes to step 10, I could be here all day. Even if you do end up meeting, the chances of it being a roaring success are, statistically speaking, slim. I rarely get past the first drink. Given the options 'hell yes' or 'hell no', I invariably plump for the latter, and then steps 1-10 have to be painfully carried out. ALL. OVER. AGAIN.
Surely there's an easier way? Answers on a postcard.