Why I hate Dating Apps - Part 1

I've recently struck upon a genius idea, born out of pointless misspent hours swiping, scrutinising and stalking men on dating apps, I've concluded that it would be more effective to simply leave the house wearing a T-shirt with the word 'SINGLE' emblazoned all over it.

Allow me to explain. I have been single on and off for ten years now. Long-term relationships have not completely escaped me, but not a single one of them has been as a result of a dating app. I know for a lot of singletons the apps have been fruitful, in fact one of my friends recently got engaged to a man we christened 'No Clothes' on account of his dating profile featuring a bedroom selfie in front of an empty wardrobe. We examined this anomaly at length; was he a travelling salesman, had he converted to minimalism, or, did he just have no clothes?

Of course, as the viewer you are not furnished with any circumstantial evidence to put these images into context, and after much debate she decided to throw caution to the wind and give No Clothes a go. It transpired that he did in fact have a bounteous supply of garments; the photograph in question had been hastily snapped in a hotel room, hence the sartorial void. In the flesh he was also devilishly handsome, caring and tall (this is important apparently), and disproved my dating app theory entirely - photographs do not maketh the man. Basing our judgement solely on a visual representation is fundamentally flawed, not to mention shallow.

Men and women appear to have a completely different approach when it comes to selecting their mug shots; from my extensive research, a lot of men put very little effort into the process. I have come across a man holding two large red peppers to his head, possibly in a bid to look like a rabbit, possibly to illustrate his playful side. I'm afraid I didn't linger to ask why. Then, there was the one with a large houseplant covering his face, which begged the question, "What, or who was he hiding from?". A fully grown man dressed in a child's novelty tiger suit? Next!

Don't even get me started on the number of bed-based selfies, they are frequently taken with one arm casually draped behind the head, with a nonchalant glance towards the voyeur from their pillow - this thinly veiled 'come to bed' connotation is highly disturbing coming from a complete stranger. Such abominations are instantly flung into the same category as semi-naked weight-lifting poses, the Burning Man festival outfit, or the cardinal sin - mirror selfies (often taken in lifts for some inexplicable reason).

For the fairer sex, it's not a question of digging out dodgy photos from years gone by, or taking ill thought-out panicked selfies, because of course most women have an exhaustive camera roll of pictorial potential, and are quite frankly, more discerning. We want to be seen at our most radiant and attractive, not at the gym, not out on the lash and certainly not awkwardly positioning our phones into a mirror with a pained expression on our faces.

And therein lies the problem with dating apps, it's purely founded on the aesthetic. How many times have I instantaneously dismissed a candidate for their unflattering camera angle? Countless, I am sure. This is never the case when meeting someone in person, they are fully clothed for one. We don't have the luxury of time to analyse their stance, lack of furniture or to overthink the reason behind adorning their head with vegetables.

So if you see a slightly disillusioned woman walking the streets of London in her 'single' T-shirt, she has not lost the plot, she's having her own personal dating revolution.